Prediction of Aaron Boone’s press conference after the Braves shocked Luis Severino

For the remaining 43 games of the season, the New York Yankees will need someone with an iron will and an endless reservoir of platitudes to stand up to a disillusioned pitching staff. Aaron Boone (seen here working in case DJ LeMahieu’s calf won’t hold up) is the man for the job.

Nothing really matters anymore, and it hasn’t mattered much since just after the All-Star break. How do you answer questions about an off-dock season? How do you defend the indefensible? Boone is either going to deliver a two-month masterclass or spend two days in the process.

He can start by justifying the team’s decision to start Luis Severino and his 8.06 ERA (and it’s rising!) against the mighty Atlanta Braves on Tuesday night.

Some would say: “Nestor Cortes is injured!” is enough of an excuse. I would disagree, given that literally any pitcher on the 40-man roster (Will Warren!) would be a more interesting pick than the Ghost of Sevy right now, both for 2023 and beyond (mostly beyond).

Let’s cut to the chase and take you directly to Boone’s post-game press conference. Why bother watching the game? We already know how Boone will turn out and sound after being thrown to the wolves to justify Brian Cashman’s sunk cost.

“I thought he threw some good pitches there in the first inning. His competition was high. But you never want to generate exit velocities 20 MPH higher than the pitch velocity that spawned them. For example, a 90 MPH changeup hits 110 in his pitches right fielder? That’s obviously not something we were looking for from this start. We’ve got to get that forward motion down. We’ve got to get that exit arrow down to 106, 107 at least.”

“And, by the way, I thought the Braves hitters had some real swing. Can we do that for them, please? There was a moment there where Sevy was very close to turning the corner and getting to the second inning, and the The Braves team just didn’t let him get there. Credit to them.”

“Yes. Yes, starting Sevy was my idea. So was bringing Sevy in for the second inning last start. That was my idea, too. No, you’re wrong there. I don’t take more responsibility for mistakes then in a carefully planned strategy to make me the sole scapegoat for this massive disappointment.You’re too far. Way away from.”

“Okay, you know what? It was actually a two-man operation: I thought about it, then the analytics team backed me up, and we decided to execute the plan. Yeah. Just me, and so did Michael Fishman. Cashman actually had no idea that that was our plan. Not only did he not force us to do it, but he honestly didn’t even know we were starting Sevy until it happened. Seriously. He called me from the front office and said, “… Is that Sevy at embankment;” And as soon as he started struggling, I said, “Oh, boy. I should really wear this.”

“Well, me and Fishy, ​​actually. we are I should wear this.”

“When’s Sevy’s next start? Well, we’ll have to talk about it. Everything’s on the table. Everything but not using him. It’s not on the table. It’s on a completely different table in someone else’s restaurant, actually . A restaurant so far away that it’s like, “Are we going there? Where do you want to spend your birthday? Because they sing to you? Damn it. Okay. Get in the sedan.””

“Anyway, I thought about the Joey Gallo trade too. Yeah, another one of my ideas. Cashman didn’t even know we were trading him until he was in the lineup. How about him, huh? He had some good swings. He was about to turn when we traded him to L.A. All right, guys, I gotta go. I’m headed to Cash’s office to find out what ideas I came up with today. It’s all on the table.”