A Royal for each Mariner in Seattle’s 6-5 win over Kansas City

Luis Castillo: Princess Peach

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You would think that being a princess would come with some kind of authority, or at least some soft power. But Princess Peach is among the most bureaucratically inept characters that isn’t intentionally satirical. I don’t mean to blame the victim here, but how does she continue to not only get kidnapped but also have to rely on a plumber to save her? How about reforming the national security apparatus? It really should be under the control of a pitcher as strong as Luis Castillo to carve out a lineup with a team wRC+ of 87, but he continued to get hit hard, allowing four runs and just six whiffs in his 99 pitches. However, like Mario saving Peach, the Mariners lineup saved Castillo.

Cade Marlowe: Dairy Queen

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Is not exceptionalbut it does the job just fine and at bargain prices.

Ty France: King Félix

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Looking for a dominant performance? Look no further than Ty France. France came into the night with a 244 wRC+ against the Royals, and somehow raised that number tonight. He is now the best visiting player in Kauffman Stadium history with at least 30 ABs, 18 for 33. He reached all five times tonight, including three walks. Talk about a barbecue in Kansas City.

Sam Haggerty: Queen of Jordan (Angie Jordan)

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When Jack and Liz try to get his wife Tracy out of their hair in a mid-season episode of 30 Rock, it dawns on them to give her a reality show. We ended up seeing two full episodes of the series in one show, Queen of Jordan, even though Angie was never a regular character on 30 Rock itself. But they were my favorite episodes even if they weren’t the best. We haven’t seen much of Sam Haggerty this year, but when we did, I was always so excited. He showed why tonight, reaching twice as a pinch hitter. It’s his way to payday.

Josh Rojas: Princess Aurora

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He slept through all the important parts of the story.

Eugenio Suarez: Princess Leia

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Princess Leia Is A Diplomat (For Good Vibrations Only!) and a warrior. Where Leia is able to command a space force and take a phaser herself from time to time, Geno wields a cannon with one hand, making three good plays in a row tonight. He mimed putting his hand back in his holster after the third play, a hard throw to catch the speedy Bobby Witt, Jr.

And of course, there’s the iconic wool.

Teoscar Hernández: Queens (New York City)

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Queens is home to the New York Mets, who entered the year with huge expectations, but have fallen short. Still, they’re not short of moments, like when Pete Alonso hit four home runs in a three-game stretch. Teo had a rough game again today as he has most of the season, going 0 for 3 and leaving five runners on base by himself. But he did get an important RBI on a sac fly in the eighth.

Gabe Speier: The Queen of Soul (Aretha Franklin)

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In Aretha’s biggest hit, she demands some RESPECT. For the second night in a row, Spier pitched a scoreless inning against the team that put him on waivers. His sock.

Julio Rodriguez: Prince

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Prince was scheduled to perform the Halftime Show for Super Bowl XLI. The story goes that as it was raining that day, he was warned of the impact it would have on his performance. His response was to ask, “Can you make the rain louder?” And the result was an undisputed top 5 halftime show. What I’m saying is that Prince was a guy who knew how to put on a show. You know that’s our J-Rod, who opened the game tonight with a double, part of a four-hit night with two RBIs.

Dylan Moore: George VI

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King George VI was called the Accidental King. The second son, he was not meant to be king and never expected to be, but when his brother David abdicated to marry a divorcee, he stepped up and helped lead the Allies to victory in World War II. Dylan Moore had to hit for Josh Rojas tonight to get the matchup advantage after KC brought in a lefty reliever. But when Cabby retired before a pitch was thrown, it was too late to undo having put DMo in the game. Facing a north leg to lead off the next innings, he reached on an error. He Really it shouldn’t have been in the base. But he ended up being just the right man for the moment, as his baserunning helped him score from third on a very shallow sac fly, just avoiding Salvador Perez’s tag at the plate. It was the run that put the Mariners up for good and the key moment of the game, winning tonight’s Sun Hat Award.

Dominic Canzone: Louis XIX

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Louis XIX was the King of France for literally 20 minutes. Nothing important happened during his reign.

Cal Raleigh: The Queen of Diamonds (Dottie Hinson)

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The main character of A League of Their Own was the star of Peaches who had the ability to make spectacular moments. A catcher and power hitter, she hit some real bombs.

José Caballero: the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

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Will Smith’s titular character from the 90s family sitcom spent his early years in West Philadelphia until he got into a little fight and his mom got scared. After moving in with his very rich aunt and uncle, he was a fish out of water. Likewise, José Caballero is a bit of an oddity for a regular MLB player, having spent most of his minor-league career as a pitcher rather than a prospect. But just like the Fresh Prince, he carved his own path. As Smith turned on his school uniform jacket, Cambie gets on base, hitting and getting hit by pitches, then wreaks havoc once on base, having stolen his 20th base of the night. But as cool as he made it seem, Smith’s character was still a kid with a lot to learn. So was Cabby who was too aggressive on the bases and was caught for third in an inning twice.

Matt Brash: Daenerys Stormborn of House Targaryen, The First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals and the First Men, Protector of the Seven Kingdoms, the Mother of Dragons, the Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, the Unburnt, the Breaker of Chains

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The Game Of Thrones hero/villain had a nuclear weapon over her opponents and wasn’t afraid to use it. Where she had her many dragons, Matt Brash has her 100 mph heater and two breaking balls. But Daenerys spent much of the series unable to actually take the Iron Throne, and her dragons did a lot of damage when not used wisely. Likewise, Matt Brash tends not to be as dominant as someone should make him out to be with his weapons. Usually, it’s when he can’t land it in the zone, but tonight it was a home run by someone named Nelson Velázquez. It was still a bad pitch, but the damage was done, bringing the Royals within one before Brash finished them off for his third save.

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